to not forget

Today on the drive home after picking Judah up from preschool, I remembered a moment three months ago today.

February 5, 2009

I realized I was following Dad home on 52 from Mound City.  He waved his slow, chill wave through the back window.

Now, as I sit here typing this, I am looking at our swing set and I remember another moment three months ago today.

February 5, 2009

Dad was coming home from work and the kids & I were outside on the swing set.  Dad honked and the kids were yelling and waving at PaPa Paul.

Flash forward about 9 hours later, a little before 1:00 am.

February 6, 2009

Ali calling, Dad’s being life-flighted, knees hitting the ground with the realization of what was happening.  Mom showing up to watch the kids, piling in the SUV with BJ, Ali, Adam & Ashley.  Praying he’s okay.  Praying I don’t go into labor.  Praying and wishing I could disappear.  Praying what was happening wasn’t.

And while I sit here typing, it’s like I’m being transported back in time.  I can remember so much.  And and as much as I want to forget–I want to not forget.

I want to not forget because as bad as it could’ve been–it wasn’t.  As deep as my grief could’ve gone–I didn’t have to.  As great as God’s mercy was–He gave more.

Remember this:

And because of mercy, I get to go up the road at least once a week a fill the pills for a man who shouldn’t be alive to take any   Seriously, though.

And so my family (BJ, me, Zoe, Judah, Shiloh and Olive) won’t forget, we named our sweet Olive with the middle name “MercyAnn”.

Because, really, it’s easy to forget isn’t it?  The good things, that is.  If Dad had died, I wouldn’t forget it, would I?  I’d think about it every day, maybe every few minutes.  But the good stuff–now that’s something I could forget.

• I might someday forget all the people who came to visit us/Dad in the hospital–when he wasn’t even conscious.
• Or Ashley, the amazing ICU nurse who was on call the night Dad was admitted…and was on call the day they discharged him.
• Maybe even Dr. Mayor, the man who came to the hospital in the middle of the night to perform a surgery that probably wouldn’t really be successful.
• Or the fact that my Aunt Linda and Uncle Dave left their vacation after just arriving there?  And they sat with us.  And they loved on us.  And they helped us in more ways than I could ever count.
• And what if I forgot Dad’s amazing friends–the ones who sat with us in the waiting room while we waited for news–good or bad?
• Or the friends who cried at the thought of Dad dying or seeing him in his condition?  (yes, even tough Harley men cry–I’m a witness
• What about my husband who watched our kids so much more than ever so that I could sit by the side of my Dad–who was in a drug induced coma, I might add–just because I needed to be there?
• And my Mom, who is super Grandma.  Who not only watched our kids, cleaned my house and did our laundry.  But cried with us at the news and rejoiced with us at the same time when the news turned positive?

And someday, I might forget that NO nurses really could tell us what to expect after Dad was discharged because they had never seen someone live through what he had been through to see them leave the hospital alive.

So as this blog seems to be coming to “wrap up” stage, I thought I should tell a few more things I don’t ever want to forget–and I don’t want you to forget about me.

I’m sure throughout this blog you’ve noticed my mentioning of God.  You see, I have a relationship with Jesus that has rocked my life–for the good.  And I haven’t forgotten to tell you about it, I’ve just waited.  So now I’m diving in.

so FORGET all you know about religion.

FORGET all of your experiences, good or bad, with “the church”

FORGET about everything you think you know about God.  And just listen.  I just can’t close this without sharing.

My story is really just a story about redemption, a “paying off” if you will.  I am a girl who lived her whole life in the same time as most of you who read this blog.  I had parents who took me to church while growing up, much like most of you did.  And yet for me, that experience with church didn’t shape or direct my path in how I lived my life.  Not that the preaching wasn’t good.  Not that I didn’t know “right from wrong”.  It just wasn’t real.

And real is a big deal to me.  I can’t stand hypocrisy.  So as a teenager, I was searching for something real, something true, something I could stand on.  A rock.

At 13 I attended a camp where I was presented with Jesus’ message.  I felt very moved and loved by God and wanted to dedicate my life to him.  I also did not want to go to hell   I can’t tell you today which one of those two things was speaking to me louder.  I just remember walking forward and praying to God what is commonly referred to as the salvation prayer.

“Jesus, come into my life and into my heart.  I admit I am a sinner and I need you.  amen”

I went home with a newer understanding of this God and Jesus thing.  Mostly I remember feeling pressure to remember and follow a bunch of rules the Bible had for me.  I can tell you right now, that is a very, very empty feeling.  To be following a distant God, not really understanding what I was doing.  So when I was 14 and I had my first boyfriend, I slowly starting forgetting about the commitment I had made to follow God.

I started down a path most teenagers go on if they’re in a relationship, and at 14 I entered into my first sexual relationship.  Every year I went back to that camp, hoping I could reconnect and really come back and find myself a different person but I always fell right back into where I had left off.  I had opened the door to finding my security in how some 16 year old guy felt about me.  And that security would haunt me until the day I found true freedom.

I can honestly say I am not sure what it was about my senior year in high school that got me really thinking about the God thing.  I knew all the rules and I knew I was breaking them.  But deep down, I just knew, there has to be more to this life, right?  The opportunity came up for me to go on a trip to Jamaica with the same camp organization, and I went.  For the first time in my life, I was around a group of friends who were fun, nice AND were following Jesus.  It  was unbelievable.  And from that moment I knew I wanted to not only be a Christian but live like one.  And live I have.

When I say “live” I’m not talking about actions.  I’m talking about the LIFE I have found in a relationship with Jesus.

“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”  John 10:10

Even as I type this, I can’t seem to put into words what is in my spirit right now.  I am FREE.

Bondage that once held me down is gone.

Addictions I couldn’t break, I am free from.

A love I could never grasp has loved me.

A peace I was chasing has washed over me.

A stagnant Bible became alive to me.

I have been pursuing a relationship with Jesus Christ for 14 years this past March and I have never been let down.

It doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced

• pain
• sadness
• anger
• bitterness
• jealousy
• hopelessness

But what it does mean is I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, who I trust knows what is best for me.  A Father who chose to send His son to die on a tree for me.  And for you.

The reason I asked you to forget all you have heard or know is because so much of what we believe about God or Jesus is sent through a filter of our own experiences.  But if you just stand back and look at His story of love for you, how can you not enter in?

And guess what?  God forgets, too.

“I’ll wipe the slate clean for each of them. I’ll forget they ever sinned!” Jer. 31:34 (the Message)

I am well aware there are questions.  Isn’t Christianity arrogant?  How can you really know?  What about all of the other religions?  What about evil?  If God were a good God…?  God isn’t afraid of your questions.  And He’s not afraid to answer them, either.  And I wish I could answer every one of them.  I know I can’t.  But there are so many resources out there to guide you in your search.  If you are interested in those, click on the links at the bottom of this page.

As for this post and blog–I just ask you this:

Forget what you know and pursue Jesus and see what you find.

Don’t forget the miracle you’ve witnessed in my Dad’s life.

And know this about Our God.

¹⁵ “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!

¹⁶ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands”

Is. 49:15-16

This song does an amazing job of putting to music what I feel…(never mind the video, it’s the words I love)

A picture of what God can do…

Ravi Zacharias (apologetics)

Answers in Genesis (God in science)

Bible Gateway (the Bible online)